All I wanted was a nap.

Posted in Uncategorized on June 16, 2013 by theoldmonster

I can’t believe this. I take a nap, just a little three year snooze mind you, and some yammering trouserbass of a do-gooder tries to exorcise me. I’m a physical being you boob– ok, maybe not a live one but still a physical being. That “The power of Jeebus compels you” crap don’t apply to me. Oh well, it wasn’t all bad. That preacher really hit the spot.

Anyone know how to get holy water stains out of a shroud?

Anyway, after my run in with the good Reverend Hasenfeffer I sat down with nice cuppa to read the online news and what do I see? Some dumbass woke the Baron up, too. I certainly hope whoever woke up that dried up old beast wasn’t someone who’ll be missed. Cover-ups aren’t cheap you know. covering up the disappearance of that holy happy meal I dispatched took a bit of scratch I’ll tell you that.

So why should I care about Hie’s scribblings? I’m not sure I do really, but every time I check the news he’s going on about something other. That is one image obsessed ghoul:

“You see, class, style and elegance – the three main concerns of this small space – are timeless”

Ok what are you smoking, Hie? I swear his manners are as stiff as the women at his parties. I shouldn’t kvetch too much, though. I was stupid enough to date him back in the day. Back in the day, year, century, era, what  difference does it make? He can’t live it down either so I suppose we’re even.

Ok, enough of that crap. Now that I’m up I may as well go ahead and revive my blog as well. After all I’m half expecting another assault on the old manor before too long and you know how much Albert loves crowds– especially with a little Adobo.  Blogging will help me pass the time and who knows? While I’m online I might find a few new recipes for deep fried vacuum cleaner salesman.

Toodles, Toads.



Still Without a Catch-phrase

Posted in Uncategorized on August 12, 2010 by theoldmonster

I’d like to apologize for being so absent lately. When someone like me sleeps we really sleep.
I’d also like to apologize for the lack of a decent greeting, I just can’t decide on one that I like without it being something that’s been done before. Look at these:
Greetings boils and ghouls.
Greetings and salutations.
Greetings, mortals.
So how are all you little creeps today?
Hello mutants.
Hi assholes.

All of them are ok, right (cough)? Sure, and they’ve all been done before. If any of you slugs have a suggestion I’m all ears… and fangs… and tenta—you get the idea.

Before I go on, let me just offer a minor rebuttal to a statement made a few weeks ago by my old friend the Baron. In a blog entry from June 30th of this year he stated the following:

Being alive (or undead if you prefer) for so long means that the centuries can seriously drag if you don’t manage to find something to laugh about. In addition to this, vampires tend to be brilliant (evil, of course, but brilliant), and a lack of humor has always been the hallmark of the weak-minded and insecure. One might almost say that it is an exclusively human trait.

Now I agree for the most part with what was said here, save perhaps the last sentence. Is stupidity common amongst humans? Absolutely. Is it almost exclusive to humanity? Hell to the no, kids. Hell to the no.

How many vampires don’t have the good sense to have their can in their resting place before dawn, huh? a few dozen piles of dust I was acquainted with come to mind without thinking too hard. How about the morons who managed to get staked by a stupid little mortal (no offense) who moves at one tenth the vampire’s speed? Or worse yet, how many of these ‘superior beings’ get impaled by falling out window or off a ledge… dead center on a conveniently placed bit of wood or metal sticking out of the ground? Sticking out of the ground in their own castle no less? You’d think a centuries old creature would have the good sense, not to mention balance, to keep his wingtip-clad feet under him but noooooo… one look at a cross and half the vampires I know are over the sill and speared like a flounder on a hook. Oh yeah, we’re talking Nobel Laureate here. Hell, my pet, whatever he is, is smarter than that and he still shits on the hall carpet.

The werewolves aren’t any smarter, but most folks don’t expect them to be. Of course that makes it all the funnier when one of them proves to be a genius. It’s like that old Far Side comic: Two leopards are sitting on a tree branch while a native is just passing underneath. One says to the other “Ok, on three jump out and roar… the expressions these things make are priceless!”

Don’t even get me started on the zombies.

The Baron also stated in the same article:
There are some groups – particularly militant groups in extremist causes (or, even worse, causes that are “just”) – who seem to be unable to spot the fact that they have, through the spewing of rhetoric, become caricatues of themselves.

I agree with this statement 100%. How could I not? We all know them; we’ve all had the ‘pleasure’ of dealing with them. What I disagree with here is the point this statement was used to support. I don’t think this self-humiliating zealotry is what makes these people unfunny… not always. As often as not it is this behavior is what makes them funny. How many times have you been accosted by one of these self-righteous, granola-chewing pussies without wanting to bust a gut right in front of them? I say let it out, I always do and look at me. I’m still here and healthy as a horse. Well, maybe a dead horse but I digress.

Of course it helps to be undead if you intend to survive a lynching. Trust me, I speak from experience here. The payoff is great too. All you have to do is open your eyes and say hi after being ‘beaten to death by an angry mob’ and voila, instant comedy!

Ok, that’s about all for now. I’ll be back with another post real soon you little slimeballs, don’t you worry!

Smell you later,

The Old Monster

A Moment Of Your Time, Mutants?

Posted in Uncategorized on February 25, 2010 by theoldmonster

Ever get tired of futzing around on dull old planet Earth?

Paying the bills ruin your mood did it, Sweetie?

Have a little distraction on… almost free of charge! Janrae Frank has released two most excellent dark fantasies for your reading pleasure, Serpent’s Quest and Fireborn Law. Here’s the groovy part you ghoulish little so and sos… one of them is only a buck! Waaaaaay more bang for your money than that frikkin coffee buddy. So go to and by yourself a window to a world of sorcery, murder, war, mayhem, and madness.

You know, all the good things in life.

There are plenty of thrills to be had with Ms. Frank’s books to be certain, and plenty of laughs.

Now how can you argue with that?

Politics, in my abattoir?

Posted in Uncategorized on January 11, 2010 by theoldmonster

Greetings vermin, and welcome to another edition of The Old Monster’s
Abattoir. I’m sure you’re all wondering where I’ve been the last few
months, and you should be I suppose, but it couldn’t really be avoided.

Things have been a bit hectic in the abattoir with all those nasty holiday interruptions: carolers, nosy policemen, torch-bearing mobs… you know the routine. Thankfully they’re all tucked away in the basement now, except for the few I’ve stored in the kitchen. I must remember to send a letter of thanks to the people who made those canning jars. They’re handy little things.

Anyway I’ve been away for a while now and I really should get this show
rolling again. I generally stay out of politics as a rule; it’s a mess
best left to the masochistic, narcissistic or just plain stupid. But then you see articles like Uganda’s gay death penalty bill, and more embarrassingly the despicable little factoid that some people in this
country have sent letters of support for it to the bills sponsors, you have to at least voice your disgust don’t you? So I am. Things like this make me feel… vindicated. In a way at least.

Now I realize this is not as tragic as the above article but let’s be
honest, it’s damned embarrassing in this day and age some of the crap that is said by some of the lower primates in this country who think it’s OK to spout any vile nonsense that comes out of their festering little sore of a mouth just because of the assumed anonymity of the internet. You all know the equation:

“seemingly normal person” + internet + anonymity + audience =

shitcockfuckmotherfucker tits!

That is what’s known as the greater internet fuckwad theory. We can do better. Is it really that important that some redneck thought it would be funny to photoshop the features of a chimp onto Michelle Obama? Or native garb onto the president? We get it, Jethro, you’re a cousin-fucking shit-kicker who still thinks blacks are inferior to you. Sure they are, Jethro. I’m sure you think city-folk have pretty mouths too. Shut the fuck up.

In other news:

Sad. A lot of people grew up with the guy’s work. He’ll be missed.

Before you ask, yes. I was trying to get off the politics. It gives me
gas. In lighter news, an East Boston cat was called to jury duty. When
the amused owner filled out a request to have her cat disqualified the
judge was unimpressed and ordered “Sal” to be in court at the appointed
time and day. It looks like the owner’s only recourse will be to bring the cat in for jury duty. The sad part is that it’s completely true:

You just can’t make up shit like this.

Last night I saw PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE again. I can’t tell you how much I adore this cinematic disaster. Oh I could go on for hours. It was made by one of filmdom’s most notorious red-headed (but not really) step children, Ed Wood. Arguably one of the worst films ever made, though personally I’ve seen far worse IMHO, so let’s not pan the poor sot for his lack of technical expertise. The movie is a monument to unintentional humor, painfully bad acting, and Vampira’s impossibly tiny waistline. You could choke a chihuahua with one of her belts. It’s the perfect example of a movie done so badly and naively that it became an icon of the accidental classic. Find yourself a copy and enjoy!

If you have a question that needs answering, if you need dating advice, or just want to know how to deal with life’s little annoyances… like
torch-bearing mobs for instance, just write me at
and ask away.

Until next time Boils and Ghouls, Ta Ta!

Back Again!

Posted in Uncategorized on September 18, 2009 by theoldmonster

Next time bury me deeper. Neener neener, kiddies!

Greetings Deadites, and welcome to another edition of The Old Monster’s
Abitoir. Let’s start off with a quick game of “THIS PROVES THAT…”.

1) The majority of birthers and Teabaggers still think Obama is both a nazi and a socialist… how that works is beyond me but there you go.
This proves that:
a. The majority of Birthers and Teabaggers are fucking morons.
b. The majority of Birthers and Teabaggers have an opinion on damn near everything political except for issues they’ve actually read up on…
provided there are any.

2) Kanye West has proven once and for all that he is the biggest douche in the music industry. No mean feat for a midget. Oh I’m sorry, I meant to say “grown-assed little man”. My bad.
This proves that:
a. “Keeping it real” is a hip term for “being a shit-stirring little asshole”.
b. Kanye’s height is inversely proportionate to the amount of shit between his ears.


That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die.

Back in 2005 an old friend of mine– a VEEEEERY old friend of mine– was featured in a 47 minute silent film produced by the Howard Philip Lovecraft Historical Society. The title of course was CALL OF CTHULHU. If you haven’t seen it, the film is definitely worth a watch.

It’s not a feature release by any means, but a sincere effort by
dedicated beginners who did the work for it’s own sake. It can be ordered at the Society‘s Website:

For the mere pittance of twenty dollars you can own this masterpiece of retro cinema. Seriously, this film is a work of art. Deliberately done as a silent for a lot of reasons, primarily because the people involved honestly thought it was the only effective way to tell the story. I’m not quite sure I agree with the sentiment but the results speak for themselves. The film demonstrates that a dedicated effort can produce marvelous results, even with a ridiculously small budget.

It’s truly amazing what you can do with model cars, layered photography, model swamp sets and a glitter covered sheet in the right light. See it, you’ll be delighted. And so will the Old One himself. After all… the more folks know of him the more he can reach in his own special way. So go ahead. Heed the call, go mad, and watch the world be consumed. I’ll be fun.

So repeat after me:

“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”…

Which, for those of you unaccustomed with the old tongue (shameful, truly shameful) means: “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.”

See you Deadites later.


More proof the human race is doomed.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on August 20, 2009 by theoldmonster

Good whatever-the-sodding-time-is kids, and welcome to another post from your undead pal The Old Monster. This time we’ll address a few little things close to my heart… and my spleen… and my stomach… you get the idea.

First, in literary news a woman named Jordan Scott is suing Stephanie Meyers over elements of her Twilight series, specifically the installment entitled Breaking Dawn, claiming Meyers stole elements of her self-published novel, Nocturne. First, let’s make one thing abundantly clear… neither of these authors, and I use the term loosely, could write their way out of a wet paper bag in my not so humble opinion, but that’s not the point. The fact that Meyers novels have had the same effect upon vampire fiction that AIDS had on the American dating scene is not the point. The fact that Ms. Jordan’s writing is just slightly more mature than a campfire story told by a seven year old is NOT the point. The point is that the Breaking Dawn author is being sued over what amounts to common elements found in many works by a great many authors, most of whom are more talented than plaintiff or defendant in this case. Use of common elements: the same type of monster, the same plot devices, the same motivations… DOES NOT CONSTITUTE PLAGIARISM.

Are we clear, Jordan? Just because 200 different authors at one point or another had a vampire marry a mortal does not mean that they each owe you a nickle. Just because evil demon-baby kills or injures it’s human mother does NOT mean your lawyer should give Poppy Z. Brite a call. Oh wait, Poppy wrote her book first! Pay the woman or face a pointless lawsuit, Jordan. You know, a lawsuit like yours. Sorry, that’s not plagiarism. Elements like this are prevalent throughout the history of genre fiction. They’re used as often as your average stairwell, a hell of a lot. In simple terms, Princess, your derivative work doesn’t merit any of Meyer’s coin just because it was published first. Grow up.

The lesson here?

Frivolous lawsuits are a far bigger bane to the publishing industry than bad writing ever was. You want to make some coin, do it on the merit of your own damn work.

Next, a word about Survivor winner Richard Hatch. I normally don’t give a rat’s tuckus about reality shows except to make fun of them and this really isn’t an exception. Every time this never-was reminds us of his existence mankind regrets it… or should. What kind of schmuck wins a million dollars on national television, doesn’t pay his taxes on the million, lies in court, then when pending release tries to accuse the prosecution of committing a hate crime (Hatch is gay)? An imbecile, that’s who. I suppose it never occurred to the man that not paying taxes on a million dollar prize might raise an eyebrow or two. Hell, even I know better than to mess with the IRS, those fuckers scare me. The stupidity some mortals show used to surprise me, but that was a few thousand years back.

He told the “Today” show that he has been financially devastated by his tax case.

Well thank you Captain Obvious. Here’s a link:

And some of you wonder if I ever feel guilty about killing people. Get real, I’m not trying to destroy the world, I’m just culling the herd a bit.

For now I’ll leave you with a quote:

“It was so hot today that that thing on Donald Trump’s head is panting!” David Letterman

Later Homeys!


Enough to make Nancy Reagan say…

Posted in Uncategorized on July 13, 2009 by theoldmonster

No… R’lyeah?

Yeah… R’lyeah.

I hear Sarah Palin wants to form her own political party to “take this nation back from the liberals which now control both parties”


Excuse me, little excited there. Sure, why not form batshit-as-all-sodding-getout ultra conservative party? If the party gains any popularity, even in the Klan-belt (more a state of mind than a region, but still… ) then Obama has an easy run in 2012. On the other hand, if I truly wanted to destroy the world I’m sure Bimbo Dearest would do a damn fine job of it. Here are a couple of relevant links:

Hey, I enjoy a nice pipe-dream as much as the next undead horror, but let’s keep it a bit closer to realm of possibility, shall we? The scary part is that some folks still take this painted morlock seriously. You just can’t fake batshit like this broad. There, I’ve said as much as needs to be said about politics for now. Except maybe to assert that a woman like Sarah Palin belongs in government as much as perfume belongs on a pig.

This Week’s Movie Review, or… Now For Something A Tad Less Idiotic.

Welcome, welcome kiddies. This time out I’m fulfilling a promise to an aquaintance by doing another review of a classic horror film.

This time we review a neat little “Spaghetti-Horror” film titled La cripta e l’incubo (1964). Known in the USA Crypt Of The Vampire and Terror In The Crypt, this neatly woven Italian horror film is a well acted and strongly cast retelling of Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla with a little bit of devil worship thrown in for no logical reason. Don’t get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with Devil worship but it doesn’t really belong in this story.

Despite this minor faux pas this movie is a rarely seen and less appreciated gem from 1964. Christopher Lee, in a rare turn as a good guy, supports as the victim’s (Adriana Ambesi) father. As usual, his performance is spot on. Among the assortment of nicely creepy inhabitants of the castle is the enigmatic Ljuba, played quite well by Ursula Davis. The film is wonderfully atmospheric as many horror films from Italy are. The Italians always excelled there. Anyway, the film delivers in a big way if you’re a fan of the classics as I am. If you’re not a fan of the classics then gods-dammit why the Hell not?!? Get thee some edumacation, boils and ghouls. It does a body good!

If you’d like to look up this gem and perhaps purchase it, the film was recently re-released under the title “Crypt Of The Vampire”. Maybe the extra information will make the movie easier to find.

Crypt of The Vampire (1964)

Adriana Ambesi Laura Karnstein (as Audry Amber)
Nela Conjiu Rowena
Christopher Lee Count Ludwig Karnstein
Ursula Davis Ljuba

Directed by:
Camillo Mastrocinque (as Thomas Miller)

Writing credits:
(in alphabetical order)
Ernesto Gastaldi screenplay (as Julian Berry)
Ernesto Gastaldi story (as Julian Berry)
Sheridan Le Fanu novel “Carmilla”
María del Carmen Martínez Román story
José Luis Monter writer
Bruno Valeri writer (as Robert Bohr)
Tonino Valerii screenplay
Tonino Valerii story

And remember, if you want your questions answered or just want your slimy emails posted on this blog, with whatever commentary I see fit to add of course, then send an email to me at:

… and feel free to vent your spleen. If you don’t, then all that stress will make the meat tough… can’t have that now, can we?