I’d like to apologize for being so absent lately. When someone like me sleeps we really sleep.
I’d also like to apologize for the lack of a decent greeting, I just can’t decide on one that I like without it being something that’s been done before. Look at these:
Greetings boils and ghouls.
Greetings and salutations.
So how are all you little creeps today?
All of them are ok, right (cough)? Sure, and they’ve all been done before. If any of you slugs have a suggestion I’m all ears… and fangs… and tenta—you get the idea.
Before I go on, let me just offer a minor rebuttal to a statement made a few weeks ago by my old friend the Baron. In a blog entry from June 30th of this year he stated the following:
Being alive (or undead if you prefer) for so long means that the centuries can seriously drag if you don’t manage to find something to laugh about. In addition to this, vampires tend to be brilliant (evil, of course, but brilliant), and a lack of humor has always been the hallmark of the weak-minded and insecure. One might almost say that it is an exclusively human trait.
Now I agree for the most part with what was said here, save perhaps the last sentence. Is stupidity common amongst humans? Absolutely. Is it almost exclusive to humanity? Hell to the no, kids. Hell to the no.
How many vampires don’t have the good sense to have their can in their resting place before dawn, huh? a few dozen piles of dust I was acquainted with come to mind without thinking too hard. How about the morons who managed to get staked by a stupid little mortal (no offense) who moves at one tenth the vampire’s speed? Or worse yet, how many of these ‘superior beings’ get impaled by falling out window or off a ledge… dead center on a conveniently placed bit of wood or metal sticking out of the ground? Sticking out of the ground in their own castle no less? You’d think a centuries old creature would have the good sense, not to mention balance, to keep his wingtip-clad feet under him but noooooo… one look at a cross and half the vampires I know are over the sill and speared like a flounder on a hook. Oh yeah, we’re talking Nobel Laureate here. Hell, my pet, whatever he is, is smarter than that and he still shits on the hall carpet.
The werewolves aren’t any smarter, but most folks don’t expect them to be. Of course that makes it all the funnier when one of them proves to be a genius. It’s like that old Far Side comic: Two leopards are sitting on a tree branch while a native is just passing underneath. One says to the other “Ok, on three jump out and roar… the expressions these things make are priceless!”
Don’t even get me started on the zombies.
The Baron also stated in the same article:
There are some groups – particularly militant groups in extremist causes (or, even worse, causes that are “just”) – who seem to be unable to spot the fact that they have, through the spewing of rhetoric, become caricatues of themselves.
I agree with this statement 100%. How could I not? We all know them; we’ve all had the ‘pleasure’ of dealing with them. What I disagree with here is the point this statement was used to support. I don’t think this self-humiliating zealotry is what makes these people unfunny… not always. As often as not it is this behavior is what makes them funny. How many times have you been accosted by one of these self-righteous, granola-chewing pussies without wanting to bust a gut right in front of them? I say let it out, I always do and look at me. I’m still here and healthy as a horse. Well, maybe a dead horse but I digress.
Of course it helps to be undead if you intend to survive a lynching. Trust me, I speak from experience here. The payoff is great too. All you have to do is open your eyes and say hi after being ‘beaten to death by an angry mob’ and voila, instant comedy!
Ok, that’s about all for now. I’ll be back with another post real soon you little slimeballs, don’t you worry!
Smell you later,
The Old Monster