Just a quick update, because I know you miss me

Another piece of viewer mail in dire from a reader in dire need of my expertise. Gods help her!

Dear Old Monster

Mr Jerrson says that if I don’t get a good grade in Biology I won’t get
into the college I want. And there’s this guy in my class who totally
looks like Edward from Twilight. But stupid Brianna the cheerleader is
always all over him. Science Fair is coming up, and I want to do
something on anatomy. Is there any way I can get rid of Brianna, do
good at Science Fair, and maybe get “Edward” to notice me?

Signed, Failure Is Not An Option

Dear Failure,

Um, why would you be obsessing over a boy who looks like that? Edward
from Twilight? Don’t mind me sweetie, but I just can’t see the appeal of a “vampire” who wears lavender lipstick.

Maybe he’s born with it,

maybe it’s Maybelline?

When it comes to vampires I’ll take Graf Orlock or that dreamy Mr.
Nomack anyday.

As I was about to say before I let myself get sidetracked… again, the
answer should be obvious, even to one so young as you. You need a good grade in Biology, you’re preoccupied with dreamboat (A), and harpy (B) won’t give you any alone time with said dreamboat. Think a moment.

Have you thought of any good ideas for an extra credit project?

No?

Well I have: a dissection. Get it? Dissect Brianna, get an A, or a
life sentence, or both. And you get the boy! Simple.