I just flew in and boy are my wings tired. Wait, my what?

Hello Boils and Ghouls,

Yeah yeah yeah, I know that was used by the Crypt Keeper before… all the good lines have been used, get off me.  So I hardly know where to start to be honest, the last two weeks have been a real gas.  Let tell you the Old Monster is kind of fragged.  First, we had an election here in the good old US of A, and perhaps in a few years or so after some major work (and eight years of paranoia) perhaps we can actually call it good again.  I love elections, all those yummy pollsters… mmmmmmmm.  But it’s not all good is it?

Elections bring out the worst in people don’t they?  According to his esteemed former opponents, Obama is either an elitist, terrorist, half-breed muslim, tax-crazed, amoral, inexperienced, silk tongued devil (for real if the neocons are to be believed).  Either that or he’s that radical, gay-loving, Foreign-double-agent-gonna-give-the-country-to-the-blacks-and-teh-EBIL-gays, tax and spend thief-in-the-night… oh forget it.  I can just see half of these clowns up on their roofs like that Gabby idiot from BLAZING SADDLES, standing on the church roof with a telescope yelling “The Sheriff is a n*****!” over and over again only to be drowned out by the church bell every time he got to the ‘N’ word.  One thing was obvious: every right-wing jerkoff from Ashcroft to Limbaugh to Palin (especially Palin) and from Coulter to Rice to Schlaffly really, really,  wanted to say that word.

The so called common folk weren’t behaving so gallantly either, don’t get me wrong.  Shirley Nagel proved handily that Ann Coulter hasn’t cornered the market on politically motivated douchbaggery, or for that matter how to speak without considering the possible consequences of her so called ‘point of view’.  I hope this cow enjoyed all those prank calls she got.  I still don’t see how trick-or-treat has anything to do with with politics but hey, what do I know?  This damned earth logic of mine… always getting in the way of my understanding how some of you humans think.  I’m ashamed, no really.

Joe The Plumber is the new poster child for ‘undeserved celebrity’ and boy does he live up to the description, at least the first word of it anyway.  He’s so far gone through three different dumb-assed ideas in a lame attempt to stretch his celebrity over a few extra minutes.  Good luck with that.  Joe proves that a borderline employed, unlicensed, big-mouthed plumber with a limited command of the language can waste far more of America’s time and attention then other less important things… like issues.

Anyway, Obama won and now we can look forward to a president who speaks in complete sentences more often than not, doesn’t that sound nice?  Added bonus: he may actually have a mind in that skull of his.  He can even pronounce nuclear (nook – lee – ur, NOT noo – kyoo – lurr!) dammit!

Joe Biden and his teeth get to hang out with the cool kids for a few years, provided he can keep the verbal gaffes to a minimum.  Can he pull it off?  We’ll find out soon enough.

I can’t help but think that these reviews would be a hell of a lot worse if the news wasn’t so willing to overlook what was happening on the democratic side of the election issue.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re way too right biased to ignore a mistake, no no no.  They only ignore the good parts deliberately, the rest is myopic journalism, promise.

Note to Fox News: you can dig up a lot more dirt if you actually pick up the shovel… natch.

Sarah Palin fought hard to further the cause against women’s rights, and damned if she didn’t lower that glass ceiling at least a foot or two!  Way to go, Sarah.  From having no respect for women, or herself for that matter, our girl has come within and inch of inciting a race war, lowered rape victims to the status of burglary suspects, and let’s not forget some stellar performances in nearly every public appearance and interview she was involved in.  It takes real commitment to last through an entire debate without correctly answering a single question.  Comedy gold.  Anyway, now our girl can go home with a smile on that vacuous, painted mug of hers where she will be greeted by her adoring fans… all twenty four of them.  After pondering briefly the possibility of a run for president in 2012 (is that year a happy coincidence or what?) our lady of the venomously oblivious and her fans will retire to the home of one of the more prominent sheep molesters for a barbecue… which might explain the helicopters parked behind the tool shed.

John I-Do-Have-A-Soul-It’s-Just-Been-Mortgaged McCain can now go home to Arizona.  John ended a dirty campaign by delivering an excellent concession speech which proved two things:
One, knowing that Sarah Palin wouldn’t be within miles of him for at least the next four years has definitely improved his demeanor.
Two, four months of rehearsal and the best speech writer that republican money can buy makes for one hell of  an I-Give-Up speech.  Nice try though, John.

Ralph Nader topped off the shenanigans by pulling the “Uncle Tom” card in an interview.   Honestly, how many of you actually knew this grumpy old ‘never was’ even ran this year?  The whole interview read like a five year old who’d just gotten whipped in an insult contest yelling back over his shoulder while walking away.

“Well… well you’re fat!”

And you’re a sour old bastard.  Please shut up.

In a related story I keep hearing that some folks, including some in the media and on the internet, are blaming the passage of California’s Proposition 8 on the blacks.  BZZZUUHHH!?!  Look here, simples:

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2008/11/7/34645/1235/704/656272

Follow the link to a COUNTY by COUNTY tally of African American voters and I’m sure anyone of you walking Happy Meals will see that this is simply not-the-frikkin-case! Have you ever heard the term “Wedge Issue”?  have those words ever entered or even passed through your head?  First, it’s a simple case of the pro-prop8 crowd saying something like “See, those black folks really aren’t your friends” in a blatant attempt to make us fight amongst ourselves.  Sounds familiar, eh?  You want to hear the really embarrassing part of this venomous twaddle?  A lot of you fell for it.  It doesn’t even add up logistically and when you look at it the issue it’s as clear as glass:  The measure passed because too many whites were organized in favor of it, too many out of staters funded it, and not enough whites opposed it.  In a state where African Americans comprise 6.7 percent of the voting population any other conclusion is asinine.  That’s one mistake too many.  I’ve had it with this pity the poor helpless mortals crap… you pinheads are back on the damn menu!

IN MOVIE NEWS:

TWISTED PICTURES is the production company that created the SAW series of horror films.  There’s no disputing the quality of the pictures put out by this company, though some of them are certainly better than others.  One of their earlier films, CATACOMBS, falls roughly in the middle of the spectrum quality wise.
Shannyn Sossamon plays Victoria, an severely introverted woman who has come to Paris at the invitation of her more worldly sister, played by an unusually plain-dressed Alecia ‘Pink’ Moore.  Don’t get me wrong, the mundane look isn’t wasted on Pink, she kind of looked like Tori Spelling but, you know… pretty… and without the horse DNA.  Upon her arrival, Carolyn (Moore) informs her that they’ll be attending a rave being held beneath the streets of Paris.  Specifically, in the largest mass grave in in the world.  While at the rave, Carolyn is killed by a maniac in a goat’s head mask, leaving Victoria alone in the infrequently lit tunnels.  More wackiness ensues of course, and Victoria is subjected to numerous tortures including a police raid, a nasty bump on the head, a crazed, occasionally lecherous psychopath, and oh yeah, did I mention the guy in the goat’s head mask?

The movie is a bit slow in the middle which detracts overall from the films watchability.  Otherwise it’s a solid, if questionably casted picture (for the most part every other character could have been played better save perhaps Henri, you’ll see why).  A few people I know didn’t care much for the ending but I must admit I liked it.  It was cathartic.  Violence has that effect on me, you know?

MY RATING:  Two and one half shrunken heads.

Stay tuned for a book review and more craziness in the next few days.  until then, creeps, break a leg…

Yes, someone else’s

The Old Monster