Forgive the vitriol, I have a slight “civilization” deficiency.

I asked an acquaintance why he mangled his prey so viciously before eating it and he said “because they’re human”. Now I’m not the biggest fan of Homo Sapiens myself but I hardly think such venom would be good for the digestion would it? That would be like hating a hamburger. Anyway, I found myself first wondering why some of us hate so much and that led to wondering what makes a human despicable. That eventually led to pondering what the definition of human really is. Hey, I’m old, my mind wanders. Get off me.

So…

How would you define humanity, what is being human? Other than “you’re lunch” I mean. No really, what does it mean to be human? It would take someone outside of the equation to answer the question certainly. Just as certain is that an answer is still quite a while away. We have ideas of course, but only regarding what makes an individual an individual; not what makes all of these individuals human. Realization of that makes those of us “nonhumans” and “formerly-humans” a little nervous. Why? because it doesn’t matter if it’s a vampire, ghoul, werewolf or whatever the hell else it might be that ponders the question the answer is always the same. We don’t agree on ANYTHING! Let me say this again… MONSTERS DO NOT AGREE ON ANYTHING… EVER… except this:

You humans are messed up. Really REALLY messed up.

I’ve eaten college educated kids who didn’t even know what their own governments were up to 30 years ago. You say this is a bad student? Sadly, no. It’s an entire generation of good students with a lousy curriculum. It’s like a really cruel parody of the old saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink”. When it comes to humans learning from their mistakes it should read read “If you don’t lead the horse to water the wanker won’t realize it’s thirsty until about half past YOU’RE DEAD YOU MORON!” If you don’t teach your kids their own history they WILL make the same sodding mistakes that have been made repeatedly throughout your history. I know this because I’ve been watching the whole sorry show since the first of you monkeys learned to plant crops.

A lot of people don’t even realize how many times the human race has had to re-teach itself how to live. Running water has been introduced to how many cultures how many times in how many years? People just don’t retain lessons from one generation to the next unless it’s forced on them. Don’t even get me started on propaganda and how history is repeatedly rewritten and distorted. And speaking of warping the truth…

Spirituality is great, really. We all have our beliefs. But organized religion, at least in my humble opinion, works far better in theory than in practice. Especially when the government du jour gets involved. Think I’m kidding? Remind me to talk to all of you about faith-based initiatives sometime. Or perhaps you could read up on the law in some Muslim nations I can think of. Or a European government about six hundred years ago. Better, use that melon of yours and crack a history book. Religion and politics do not mix, regardless of what a few sociopathic nutjobs have to say on the matter.

Before you try to say this only occurs over hundreds or thousands of years just keep this old one liner from about 2003 in mind:

“You may think things are bad now but you should have seen what the country was like twelve years ago. Bush was president, the economy was crap, we were at war in Iraq… Wait a minute!”

See what I mean? You don’t learn. I shouldn’t complain really, the more you folks live like veal, the more you taste like veal after all. Mmmm, veeeeeeeeeal. *cough* Where was I? Oh yes. We were discussing pathos human culture, right? It isn’t just your inability to get the point either. Your people are every flavor of crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat I’ve ever known. For example:

Meeting Of The Heavyweights: Richard Simmons VS Divine
The first time Divine met Richard Simmons (only a short time before his death) he turned to John Waters and said “I think I just became homophobic.” What can I say, the lady can call ‘em.

One of the world’s largest single nuclear arsenals is controlled by Alfred E. Neumann’s psychotic evil twin… a man who can’t pronounce nuclear.

A large percentage of the human race can’t accept that humans are animals and like the other great apes evolved from lower forms of life, but tell them that a magic sky wizard made two people out of clay and then threw them out of the yard because they became hippies and took an apple from a talking snake; they buy it hook line and sinker. Yeah, that makes sense.

You have a culture where four oblivious, judgmental harridans have what amounts to a hen party every morning on national television and people take them seriously.

“I believe diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy… and I can see Russia from my house!” ’nuff said.

Well, not really. For the record one does not define feminist as a self righteous moron who would make rape victims pay for their own rape kits and would force her own daughter into what amounts to a shotgun wedding with a “boy” who constantly has this “I-should-have-settled-for-a-blowjob” grimace plastered on his face. He’ll make a great husband I’m sure. All of this for propriety’s sake? Making a genuine scandal of yourselves to avoid an imagined scandal makes as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.

There are a large percentage of people in the world who are literally too damn stupid to realize that a writer of horror and/or fantasy DOES NOT really believe what he’s written is true. And this is not seen as a problem… REALLY?!?!

It is the stated goal of many religions to be prolific when it comes to childbearing, yet these same faiths go to insane lengths to make the act of producing children as miserable an experience as possible.

Fifteen years ago a bunch of inbred fatcat bankers who wouldn’t know the business end of a shovel if you hit them with it went broke because they were stupid with the nation’s money. One of these retard bankers was the president’s son. So how does the country deal with these nitwits? by giving them money so they can try again… and just to be sure they screw it up the same way, the country elects one of the retards president (that same simple son of a president in fact) and yes! The bankers failed just like before. But this time with multiple times the amount of money. I don’t know who’s more screwed up: the bankers, or the retards who still put up with them after bankrupting the country twice in fifteen years.

You ever notice that even in this country there is a huge percentage of the population that takes every bit of BS the media spits up at face value? It’s the news, it has to be true. You have to be kidding me, right?

A person allows her newly rescued (from an animal shelter) kitten to play with a pet gerbil on her bed (You see where this is going, yes?). The kitten follows it’s instincts and voila, one dead gerbil. The girl decides the kitten is dangerous and wants to bring it back to the shelter because she’s afraid it will attack her other cats. Um… wow. I don’t think it’s the kitten who’s messed up sweetie.

An organization called PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) recently petitioned Ben & Jerry’s to replace the cow’s milk in their ice cream with, get this… human breast milk. Why aren’t these drool-buckets wearing rubber tuxedos yet?

Recently a community in California went batshit over a few of their high school athletes smoking pot. The way schools are in America these days I don’t blame them for getting high, you can get sued for pushing a kid down in recess. Can you imagine what you’d get if some kid’s mom sued over a tackle? Hell, they have to do something to de-stress.

A roman catholic priest in Joliet Illinois who was counseling a married couple has had suit filed against him by the husband for, wait for it… quitting the church and moving in with the husband’s estranged wife. And we thought they were all child molesters, guess he showed us!

A squatter in Lincoln, Nebraska called the police to report a break in. The police arrive to find the building manager trying to get into the apartment. Turns out the locks were changed illegally and the man inside the apartment didn’t want the manager to find his pot (three pounds of it) or the equipment he was using to grow it in the apt. I don’t even know where to start…

A child is born with a life-threatening illness to a 16 year old and her 18 year old boyfriend. The mother is mentally disturbed. The police enter the home of the child after concerns are raised over the child’s condition and try unsuccessfully to get the mother to release the child. Their solution? Taser the bitch! What are these, Milwaukee cops?

Some of us monsters use magic to play havoc with the populace, some of us use weird sciences and technologies to create or destroy at will and to protect ourselves; and some use brute force. But although fangs, claws, poison, spells, magical resistance, plotting, infecting, smashing, kidnapping, dissolving, murdering, transforming, banishing and the like are formidable ways of dispatching a foe (or preparing a meal as it were) they are no match whatsoever for a hairless, self-loathing ape with a god complex.

As I said, there is no definition for what makes one “human”. But we really don’t need to know what you are. Why? Easy, all it takes is for you to get just a little more stupid and this planet becomes a toxic cinder. Frankly, you scare the crap out of us. That’s explanation and motive right there kiddies.

Ta Ta kids, see you next time.

OM

No Pride?

Well I Never!

I can only wonder in shock at the implication that I, who singlehandedly destroyed legions, would need to make my living off what I find in my victim’s pockets. That’s just utter nonsense. I DO NOT roll my victims to make a living… I do it for fun. Nix does it for a living (I suppose I could just pay him but who the hell would give a demon a checking account?). But I digress. Digs like these do not come from rolling hobo. Does Hie honestly think I could afford all this lab equipment with pocket money?

Look at this palace; even the spiders are imported! He’s not the only one who knows how to invest their money wisely. Or hide it as the case may be. It’s not like the flies on this wall are going to talk. They can, but they won’t. See, talking flies are a good investment. So is the dynamo in the lab. You think the grid could provide the kind of juice I need for my experiments? Do you think Hie could?

Bah!

And while we’re talking about domiciles, what self respecting undead lives in a condo? No grave dirt, no vermin, no fog. The very idea sends a shudder down my spine. No thank you, give me that nice mausoleum smell any night of the week. It clears the sinuses… or at least it would if I had sinuses. Look at this cauldron over here for instance, it simply reeks with old world quality and a great many… other things. It’s made of cast iron and holds thirty gallons of whatever tickles your fancy; or knocks on your door. you just can’t find craftsmanship like that anymore without a hefty price tag. This particular marvel has been in my possession since oh… at least five or six wars ago. I know the value of good tools. My kitchen is better equipped than many a slaughterhouse and I’m proud to say every blotch, smear, and bloodstain was rightly earned. Another thing I love about having my own land is that I can modify pretty much at will. Tried digging a dungeon under that penthouse of yours yet, Hie?

Now that I think of it, where does he hide his captives? Hmmm, I’ll need to ask him sometime. It’s not like he can keep them in the garage, the neighbors would raise a hell of a fuss. Hell even catching them would be difficult in his position. I’m lucky in that respect. I catch a good number of them in town sleeping off a drunk, Mr. V catches quite a few of the teenage variety which gives me plenty of fresh blood for my work, and I even manage to catch the odd missionary or salesman with the trapdoor and no one ever misses those people. It’s like free money! Let’s see Hie explain something like that to housekeeping. Yes indeed, I like my digs just fine thank you. And by the way, Hie, so does that bloody rabbit of yours. What was his name again? Well yeah, he asked me to have you send your “man” Jarvis over with his pipe. I offered to send Nix for it but he seems to want to get Jarvis over here for some reason. Maybe he wants to show him that big hole he dug out back by smokehouse.

Now I’ll be the first to admit that this post is little more than a gripe session about the malicious slander coming from my esteemed colleague and as such has little in the way of actual substance. But this does happen on occasion, boils and ghouls, hot air begets hot air after all. Regarding Hie, I must confess the man has excellent taste so I can’t really begrudge him his advice. Everything else, sure, but not his advice.