Still Without a Catch-phrase

I’d like to apologize for being so absent lately. When someone like me sleeps we really sleep.
I’d also like to apologize for the lack of a decent greeting, I just can’t decide on one that I like without it being something that’s been done before. Look at these:
Greetings boils and ghouls.
Greetings and salutations.
Greetings, mortals.
So how are all you little creeps today?
Hello mutants.
Hi assholes.

All of them are ok, right (cough)? Sure, and they’ve all been done before. If any of you slugs have a suggestion I’m all ears… and fangs… and tenta—you get the idea.

Before I go on, let me just offer a minor rebuttal to a statement made a few weeks ago by my old friend the Baron. In a blog entry from June 30th of this year he stated the following:

Being alive (or undead if you prefer) for so long means that the centuries can seriously drag if you don’t manage to find something to laugh about. In addition to this, vampires tend to be brilliant (evil, of course, but brilliant), and a lack of humor has always been the hallmark of the weak-minded and insecure. One might almost say that it is an exclusively human trait.

Now I agree for the most part with what was said here, save perhaps the last sentence. Is stupidity common amongst humans? Absolutely. Is it almost exclusive to humanity? Hell to the no, kids. Hell to the no.

How many vampires don’t have the good sense to have their can in their resting place before dawn, huh? a few dozen piles of dust I was acquainted with come to mind without thinking too hard. How about the morons who managed to get staked by a stupid little mortal (no offense) who moves at one tenth the vampire’s speed? Or worse yet, how many of these ‘superior beings’ get impaled by falling out window or off a ledge… dead center on a conveniently placed bit of wood or metal sticking out of the ground? Sticking out of the ground in their own castle no less? You’d think a centuries old creature would have the good sense, not to mention balance, to keep his wingtip-clad feet under him but noooooo… one look at a cross and half the vampires I know are over the sill and speared like a flounder on a hook. Oh yeah, we’re talking Nobel Laureate here. Hell, my pet, whatever he is, is smarter than that and he still shits on the hall carpet.

The werewolves aren’t any smarter, but most folks don’t expect them to be. Of course that makes it all the funnier when one of them proves to be a genius. It’s like that old Far Side comic: Two leopards are sitting on a tree branch while a native is just passing underneath. One says to the other “Ok, on three jump out and roar… the expressions these things make are priceless!”

Don’t even get me started on the zombies.

The Baron also stated in the same article:
There are some groups – particularly militant groups in extremist causes (or, even worse, causes that are “just”) – who seem to be unable to spot the fact that they have, through the spewing of rhetoric, become caricatues of themselves.

I agree with this statement 100%. How could I not? We all know them; we’ve all had the ‘pleasure’ of dealing with them. What I disagree with here is the point this statement was used to support. I don’t think this self-humiliating zealotry is what makes these people unfunny… not always. As often as not it is this behavior is what makes them funny. How many times have you been accosted by one of these self-righteous, granola-chewing pussies without wanting to bust a gut right in front of them? I say let it out, I always do and look at me. I’m still here and healthy as a horse. Well, maybe a dead horse but I digress.

Of course it helps to be undead if you intend to survive a lynching. Trust me, I speak from experience here. The payoff is great too. All you have to do is open your eyes and say hi after being ‘beaten to death by an angry mob’ and voila, instant comedy!

Ok, that’s about all for now. I’ll be back with another post real soon you little slimeballs, don’t you worry!

Smell you later,

The Old Monster

A Moment Of Your Time, Mutants?

Ever get tired of futzing around on dull old planet Earth?

Paying the bills ruin your mood did it, Sweetie?

Have a little distraction on Daverana.com… almost free of charge! Janrae Frank has released two most excellent dark fantasies for your reading pleasure, Serpent’s Quest and Fireborn Law. Here’s the groovy part you ghoulish little so and sos… one of them is only a buck! Waaaaaay more bang for your money than that frikkin coffee buddy. So go to Amazon.com and by yourself a window to a world of sorcery, murder, war, mayhem, and madness.

You know, all the good things in life.

There are plenty of thrills to be had with Ms. Frank’s books to be certain, and plenty of laughs.

Now how can you argue with that?

Politics, in my abattoir?

Greetings vermin, and welcome to another edition of The Old Monster’s
Abattoir. I’m sure you’re all wondering where I’ve been the last few
months, and you should be I suppose, but it couldn’t really be avoided.

Things have been a bit hectic in the abattoir with all those nasty holiday interruptions: carolers, nosy policemen, torch-bearing mobs… you know the routine. Thankfully they’re all tucked away in the basement now, except for the few I’ve stored in the kitchen. I must remember to send a letter of thanks to the people who made those canning jars. They’re handy little things.

Anyway I’ve been away for a while now and I really should get this show
rolling again. I generally stay out of politics as a rule; it’s a mess
best left to the masochistic, narcissistic or just plain stupid. But then you see articles like Uganda’s gay death penalty bill, and more embarrassingly the despicable little factoid that some people in this
country have sent letters of support for it to the bills sponsors, you have to at least voice your disgust don’t you? So I am. Things like this make me feel… vindicated. In a way at least.

Now I realize this is not as tragic as the above article but let’s be
honest, it’s damned embarrassing in this day and age some of the crap that is said by some of the lower primates in this country who think it’s OK to spout any vile nonsense that comes out of their festering little sore of a mouth just because of the assumed anonymity of the internet. You all know the equation:

“seemingly normal person” + internet + anonymity + audience =

shitcockfuckmotherfucker tits!

That is what’s known as the greater internet fuckwad theory. We can do better. Is it really that important that some redneck thought it would be funny to photoshop the features of a chimp onto Michelle Obama? Or native garb onto the president? We get it, Jethro, you’re a cousin-fucking shit-kicker who still thinks blacks are inferior to you. Sure they are, Jethro. I’m sure you think city-folk have pretty mouths too. Shut the fuck up.

In other news:

http://www.poe-news.com/

Sad. A lot of people grew up with the guy’s work. He’ll be missed.

Before you ask, yes. I was trying to get off the politics. It gives me
gas. In lighter news, an East Boston cat was called to jury duty. When
the amused owner filled out a request to have her cat disqualified the
judge was unimpressed and ordered “Sal” to be in court at the appointed
time and day. It looks like the owner’s only recourse will be to bring the cat in for jury duty. The sad part is that it’s completely true:

http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/BO133130/

You just can’t make up shit like this.

Last night I saw PLAN 9 FROM OUTER SPACE again. I can’t tell you how much I adore this cinematic disaster. Oh I could go on for hours. It was made by one of filmdom’s most notorious red-headed (but not really) step children, Ed Wood. Arguably one of the worst films ever made, though personally I’ve seen far worse IMHO, so let’s not pan the poor sot for his lack of technical expertise. The movie is a monument to unintentional humor, painfully bad acting, and Vampira’s impossibly tiny waistline. You could choke a chihuahua with one of her belts. It’s the perfect example of a movie done so badly and naively that it became an icon of the accidental classic. Find yourself a copy and enjoy!

If you have a question that needs answering, if you need dating advice, or just want to know how to deal with life’s little annoyances… like
torch-bearing mobs for instance, just write me at oldmonster@daverana.com
and ask away.

Until next time Boils and Ghouls, Ta Ta!

Back Again!

Next time bury me deeper. Neener neener, kiddies!

Greetings Deadites, and welcome to another edition of The Old Monster’s
Abitoir. Let’s start off with a quick game of “THIS PROVES THAT…”.

1) The majority of birthers and Teabaggers still think Obama is both a nazi and a socialist… how that works is beyond me but there you go.
This proves that:
a. The majority of Birthers and Teabaggers are fucking morons.
b. The majority of Birthers and Teabaggers have an opinion on damn near everything political except for issues they’ve actually read up on…
provided there are any.

2) Kanye West has proven once and for all that he is the biggest douche in the music industry. No mean feat for a midget. Oh I’m sorry, I meant to say “grown-assed little man”. My bad.
This proves that:
a. “Keeping it real” is a hip term for “being a shit-stirring little asshole”.
b. Kanye’s height is inversely proportionate to the amount of shit between his ears.

IN OTHER NEWS:

That is not dead which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons even death may die.

Back in 2005 an old friend of mine– a VEEEEERY old friend of mine– was featured in a 47 minute silent film produced by the Howard Philip Lovecraft Historical Society. The title of course was CALL OF CTHULHU. If you haven’t seen it, the film is definitely worth a watch.

It’s not a feature release by any means, but a sincere effort by
dedicated beginners who did the work for it’s own sake. It can be ordered at the Society‘s Website:

www.cthulhulives.org

For the mere pittance of twenty dollars you can own this masterpiece of retro cinema. Seriously, this film is a work of art. Deliberately done as a silent for a lot of reasons, primarily because the people involved honestly thought it was the only effective way to tell the story. I’m not quite sure I agree with the sentiment but the results speak for themselves. The film demonstrates that a dedicated effort can produce marvelous results, even with a ridiculously small budget.

It’s truly amazing what you can do with model cars, layered photography, model swamp sets and a glitter covered sheet in the right light. See it, you’ll be delighted. And so will the Old One himself. After all… the more folks know of him the more he can reach in his own special way. So go ahead. Heed the call, go mad, and watch the world be consumed. I’ll be fun.

So repeat after me:

“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

“Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn”…

Which, for those of you unaccustomed with the old tongue (shameful, truly shameful) means: “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.”

See you Deadites later.

~OM~

More proof the human race is doomed.

Good whatever-the-sodding-time-is kids, and welcome to another post from your undead pal The Old Monster. This time we’ll address a few little things close to my heart… and my spleen… and my stomach… you get the idea.

First, in literary news a woman named Jordan Scott is suing Stephanie Meyers over elements of her Twilight series, specifically the installment entitled Breaking Dawn, claiming Meyers stole elements of her self-published novel, Nocturne. First, let’s make one thing abundantly clear… neither of these authors, and I use the term loosely, could write their way out of a wet paper bag in my not so humble opinion, but that’s not the point. The fact that Meyers novels have had the same effect upon vampire fiction that AIDS had on the American dating scene is not the point. The fact that Ms. Jordan’s writing is just slightly more mature than a campfire story told by a seven year old is NOT the point. The point is that the Breaking Dawn author is being sued over what amounts to common elements found in many works by a great many authors, most of whom are more talented than plaintiff or defendant in this case. Use of common elements: the same type of monster, the same plot devices, the same motivations… DOES NOT CONSTITUTE PLAGIARISM.

Are we clear, Jordan? Just because 200 different authors at one point or another had a vampire marry a mortal does not mean that they each owe you a nickle. Just because evil demon-baby kills or injures it’s human mother does NOT mean your lawyer should give Poppy Z. Brite a call. Oh wait, Poppy wrote her book first! Pay the woman or face a pointless lawsuit, Jordan. You know, a lawsuit like yours. Sorry, that’s not plagiarism. Elements like this are prevalent throughout the history of genre fiction. They’re used as often as your average stairwell, a hell of a lot. In simple terms, Princess, your derivative work doesn’t merit any of Meyer’s coin just because it was published first. Grow up.

The lesson here?

Frivolous lawsuits are a far bigger bane to the publishing industry than bad writing ever was. You want to make some coin, do it on the merit of your own damn work.

Next, a word about Survivor winner Richard Hatch. I normally don’t give a rat’s tuckus about reality shows except to make fun of them and this really isn’t an exception. Every time this never-was reminds us of his existence mankind regrets it… or should. What kind of schmuck wins a million dollars on national television, doesn’t pay his taxes on the million, lies in court, then when pending release tries to accuse the prosecution of committing a hate crime (Hatch is gay)? An imbecile, that’s who. I suppose it never occurred to the man that not paying taxes on a million dollar prize might raise an eyebrow or two. Hell, even I know better than to mess with the IRS, those fuckers scare me. The stupidity some mortals show used to surprise me, but that was a few thousand years back.

He told the “Today” show that he has been financially devastated by his tax case.

Well thank you Captain Obvious. Here’s a link:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20090818/ap_en_tv/us_people_richard_hatch

And some of you wonder if I ever feel guilty about killing people. Get real, I’m not trying to destroy the world, I’m just culling the herd a bit.

For now I’ll leave you with a quote:

“It was so hot today that that thing on Donald Trump’s head is panting!” David Letterman

Later Homeys!

OM

Enough to make Nancy Reagan say…

No… R’lyeah?

Yeah… R’lyeah.

I hear Sarah Palin wants to form her own political party to “take this nation back from the liberals which now control both parties”…

AAAAAAH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

Excuse me, little excited there. Sure, why not form batshit-as-all-sodding-getout ultra conservative party? If the party gains any popularity, even in the Klan-belt (more a state of mind than a region, but still… ) then Obama has an easy run in 2012. On the other hand, if I truly wanted to destroy the world I’m sure Bimbo Dearest would do a damn fine job of it. Here are a couple of relevant links:

http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2009/jul/12/palin-stump-conservative-democrats/

http://www.sarahpac.com/news/news51.aspx

Hey, I enjoy a nice pipe-dream as much as the next undead horror, but let’s keep it a bit closer to realm of possibility, shall we? The scary part is that some folks still take this painted morlock seriously. You just can’t fake batshit like this broad. There, I’ve said as much as needs to be said about politics for now. Except maybe to assert that a woman like Sarah Palin belongs in government as much as perfume belongs on a pig.

This Week’s Movie Review, or… Now For Something A Tad Less Idiotic.

Welcome, welcome kiddies. This time out I’m fulfilling a promise to an aquaintance by doing another review of a classic horror film.

This time we review a neat little “Spaghetti-Horror” film titled La cripta e l’incubo (1964). Known in the USA Crypt Of The Vampire and Terror In The Crypt, this neatly woven Italian horror film is a well acted and strongly cast retelling of Sheridan Le Fanu’s Carmilla with a little bit of devil worship thrown in for no logical reason. Don’t get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with Devil worship but it doesn’t really belong in this story.

Despite this minor faux pas this movie is a rarely seen and less appreciated gem from 1964. Christopher Lee, in a rare turn as a good guy, supports as the victim’s (Adriana Ambesi) father. As usual, his performance is spot on. Among the assortment of nicely creepy inhabitants of the castle is the enigmatic Ljuba, played quite well by Ursula Davis. The film is wonderfully atmospheric as many horror films from Italy are. The Italians always excelled there. Anyway, the film delivers in a big way if you’re a fan of the classics as I am. If you’re not a fan of the classics then gods-dammit why the Hell not?!? Get thee some edumacation, boils and ghouls. It does a body good!

If you’d like to look up this gem and perhaps purchase it, the film was recently re-released under the title “Crypt Of The Vampire”. Maybe the extra information will make the movie easier to find.

Crypt of The Vampire (1964)

CAST:
Adriana Ambesi Laura Karnstein (as Audry Amber)
Nela Conjiu Rowena
Christopher Lee Count Ludwig Karnstein
Ursula Davis Ljuba

Directed by:
Camillo Mastrocinque (as Thomas Miller)

Writing credits:
(in alphabetical order)
Ernesto Gastaldi screenplay (as Julian Berry)
Ernesto Gastaldi story (as Julian Berry)
Sheridan Le Fanu novel “Carmilla”
María del Carmen Martínez Román story
José Luis Monter writer
Bruno Valeri writer (as Robert Bohr)
Tonino Valerii screenplay
Tonino Valerii story

And remember, if you want your questions answered or just want your slimy emails posted on this blog, with whatever commentary I see fit to add of course, then send an email to me at:

oldmonster@daverana.com

… and feel free to vent your spleen. If you don’t, then all that stress will make the meat tough… can’t have that now, can we?

Celebrity Deaths

So we’ve had a lot of deaths over the last month. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against dead folks. Hells, no! Some of my best friends are dead. A lot of them aren’t much for conversation mind you, but you expect this from the undead. Hell, a lot of them aren’t much for anything… so I use them for parts.

Oh crap, I’ve gone and let myself get sidetracked again… anyway the deaths I was referring to are of the hollywood kind. Celebrities. Since June 1st we’ve lost David Carradine, Ed MacMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, and of course that (incomprehensibly to my mind) ever so popular pasty white pop star Michael Jackson. The man was more pale than any ghoul I’ve ever known and that was before he kicked the damn bucket. Popularity being what it is, and american taste being determined how it is… and for the record I have no idea what makes Americans like what they like, Michael Jackson is the one among all of them (and many others I haven’t mentioned) who gets all the attention.

After all the specials, news items, blog posts and memorial posts regarding Michael Jackson’s death one thought has managed to remain foremost in my thoughts every time I see a new article on the man:

The saddest thing about Michael Jackson’s death is that so many people don’t know how to spell Michael.

Blood and Stitches everyone!

The Old Monster

AND REMEMBER TO SEND IN THOSE QUESTIONS, ABOUT LOVE, LIFE, CAREER ADVICE, POLITICS, DAMN NEAR ANYTHING. SEND YOUR QUESTIONS TO:

oldmonster@daverana.com

Movie Review: Horror Express

I’ve just been watching an old Hammer film titled Horror Express on a local retro station. Thankfully a movie that old rarely has much to censor by today’s standards, especially a Hammer film. It certainly Isn’t the best film Hammer has to offer, not by a long shot, but I’ll admit I found it more enjoyable than I remembered when I first saw it a few decades ago.

As you’d expect in a horror film of this vintage the science is laughable, but the idea of a mind wipe thorough enough to smooth the ridges of a human brain is interesting to see even if it is a tad comical. The movie also had a lot of funny moments. Telly Savalas showed up as a sadistic no nonsense Cossack officer which is funny enough by itself, well it’s funny if you’re me anyhow, and the scenery chewing doesn’t hurt either. But what exactly is so memorable about the film? The answer can be found in a single line of dialogue:

The scene takes place in a private car (it is a train after all) where two scientists played by Cushing and Lee (but of course) are having a conversation with an inspector regarding the monster who’s been killing passengers. Upon Cushing’s assertion that the monster could be anyone, the inspector supposes that the monster could even be one of the two scientists themselves. Cushing’s response is priceless.

Inspector Mirov: The two of you together. That’s fine. But what if one of you is the monster?
Dr. Wells: Monster? We’re British, you know.

Though panned at it’s release the film has gone on to become a favorite of both Horror Science Fiction fans alike. This movie is definitely good for a quick infusion of nostalgia for you Hammer fans, or maybe for a movie to watch while stoned for those of you who indulge in such things. It’s all good. The Rasputinesque monk is enough for a night’s fun by himself.

cast:

Christopher Lee: Prof. Alex Caxton
Peter Cushing: Dr. Wells
Telly Savalas: Capt. Kazan
Julio Pena: Inspector Mirov
Alberto de Mendoza: FatherPujardov

Just a quick update, because I know you miss me

Another piece of viewer mail in dire from a reader in dire need of my expertise. Gods help her!

Dear Old Monster

Mr Jerrson says that if I don’t get a good grade in Biology I won’t get
into the college I want. And there’s this guy in my class who totally
looks like Edward from Twilight. But stupid Brianna the cheerleader is
always all over him. Science Fair is coming up, and I want to do
something on anatomy. Is there any way I can get rid of Brianna, do
good at Science Fair, and maybe get “Edward” to notice me?

Signed, Failure Is Not An Option

Dear Failure,

Um, why would you be obsessing over a boy who looks like that? Edward
from Twilight? Don’t mind me sweetie, but I just can’t see the appeal of a “vampire” who wears lavender lipstick.

Maybe he’s born with it,

maybe it’s Maybelline?

When it comes to vampires I’ll take Graf Orlock or that dreamy Mr.
Nomack anyday.

As I was about to say before I let myself get sidetracked… again, the
answer should be obvious, even to one so young as you. You need a good grade in Biology, you’re preoccupied with dreamboat (A), and harpy (B) won’t give you any alone time with said dreamboat. Think a moment.

Have you thought of any good ideas for an extra credit project?

No?

Well I have: a dissection. Get it? Dissect Brianna, get an A, or a
life sentence, or both. And you get the boy! Simple.

Reader Mail

Another letter to the Old Monster for your perusal, and it is a dilly! Nothing like throwing a near imponderable to put you into bad case of writer’s block is there? Questions like this one make me sweat frankly so I think I’ll just scratch the surface a bit and hope she can get her research on. Poor kid has one hell of a learning curve ahead of her.

Dear Old Monster,

I have been locked in my parents basement for the last eight years. What should I know about the real world?

Hopefully,
In The Dark And Out Of The Loop

PS: Please help me Old Monster, you’re my only hope!

I’m sorry to have to break this to you, Leia, but if I’m your only hope then I think you’re boned. I’ll have to assume you are somewhere around eighteen for simplicity’s sake as there is no single answer to a question like this. After all, most adults don’t get locked in the basement by their parents, do they? A lot of them should be, but that’s beside the point.

I hardly know where to start. Politically it’s been a hell of an eight years. We’re wrapped up in a war in Iraq that we started over, now get this, a person who didn’t orchestrate an attack the World Trade Center killing thousands, didn’t attack us, didn’t attack our allies, and didn’t have illegal weapons of mass destruction stashed around his country in violation of UN sanctions, and wasn’t hiding Al Quiada operatives in his country. Not when we attacked anyway. Don’t even get me started on who and/or what Al Quaida is… you’ll figure it out soon enough if your Google Fu is strong.

Soooooo– we fragged his country… yeah. Oh, before I forget we also attacked another country and overturned it’s government… sort of. The women still wear Burkas but I hear three men in Kabul have started using toilet paper. Worth every penny of the billions we’ve spent on the invasions, yes?

On the home front we’ve become obsessed with trivial celebrity and shallow attention whoring marketed as reality television. You’ll note that Reality Television is an oximoron. It’s no more real than a cartoon and frankly it barely qualifies as television. This, and its pornographic counterpart the “Girls Gone Wild” videos, allow shows to be made at very low overhead. It’s easy to make a show that doesn’t require plot or storyline (or script writers) and it will likely make a ton of money even if it flops. Television like this almost makes me miss Gilligan’s Island. Almost.

It never took much to achieve celebrity status of course. If you don’t believe me take a look at Paris Hilton. She bought her way into the spotlight regardless of her complete lack of talent, common sense, and a measurable IQ. These things aren’t necessary these days if you start out rich or know who to screw. And before you older folks get on that high horse of yours save it… does the name Zsa Zsa Gabor mean anything to you?

Culturally we aren’t much better off. Wonderful devices such as The cellphone and the PDA and the bastard offspring of both have spared us from the hardships of communicating on the go, personal organization, and literacy; to say nothing of reading comprehension. But you’ll sure look bitchin’ with that Blue tooth headset on behind the wheel of your SUV so no worries, image is everything!

The internet has performed the same purpose of course, but with better graphics and easier input. It seems that the improvements in ease of use of a given bit of technology are inversely proportionate to the decline in most people’s ability to make use of said device. A quick, comprehensive way to frappe’ a human brain in record time. Go Hulu Go!

A few more advancements like these and we won’t need schools. Some fencing around the back forty will keep the sheep contained during class and graduation can be simplified greatly. A quick trip to the kitchen and a sharp blow with a cross-peen hammer and VOILA!.

The Religious Right as a whole and individually is acting the same as it always has: foaming at the mouth, flailing like a drunken hooker in a pig waller at everything that isn’t to their liking. You know, all that post McCarthy bullshit. No change here except a lot of them are managing to get elected to public office. Scary.

If this gives you the impression I’m stalling then you’re half right. More has changed in the last decade or so than can be recounted in a single letter, or for that matter a single book. You have a lot of catching up to do and for this I can only offer my sympathy.

Blood & Stitches,

The Old Monster